A few amazing things happened today – One was that I ate healthily! Yes, I’m serious. I had porridge and low fat milk for breakfast, banana and apple for snack, Weight Watchers soup for lunch, fruit cup and diet mousse for afternoone tea and a lean cuisine for dinner!! I know, I know, I can hear all the gym junkies saying ‘Ummm, that eating plan is actually way to high in carbs/fat/sugar/fresh air but there was no pizza or KFC chips in there so I am bloody proud of myself! Ok, second thing that happened is….drumroll please…..I went to a gym class! I didn’t just look through the glass either – and I actually went!
Ok..and thirdly, If I am being completley honest, I am having a really hard day today. As soon as I woke up thinking about fried chicken and Salivating on my pillow (sexy…I know) I knew it was going to be a shocker of a day. Had porridge and fruit for breakfast, was still hungry. Had a shower, was still hungry. Cleaned entire apartment, was still thinking about food. Decided that instead of moping around all day thinking about food was not going to be the most productive exercise, and that I should go to the gym instead– excellent idea! Nothing like a few endorphins to get me back on that ‘eating healthy’ bandwagon! Or so I thought… I had seen an offer that the gym near my house was having, to entice us fatties inside. ‘Come on in Lardarse and try a class for free!’ Or something like that…anyway, I chose an aerobics class, slipped into my size 22 tracksuit pants and rummaged through the back of my garage cupboard until I found my runners that I had bought from kmart six months ago when I was ‘seriously going to get fit this time.’
So the class started off okay…we sat on theses little aerobic step things, picked up some weights from the other side of the room, and my heart rate was pumping hard. I was getting fit! I was doing a gym class! – Then the instructor came in, and the class started. About, say, 43 seconds into the class I knew this was a big, big mistake. The kind of mistake that leaves you explaining ‘I know that it’s your birthday and everything…but that cake, you know, the one that was in the fridge? Well…its kind of…umm…not there anymore…’
We stepped up and down and around to music that could only sound good if you were 16 and trying to sneak into a club. Despite the music, I convinced myself that I was burning calories of my hugw wobbly bum, and each step was getting me closer to the ‘oh, size 10? That was soooo two months ago’ zone. To say that this class hurt would be the understatement of the century. It burned. I could feel my pulse in my forehead – and that just ain’t natural. So after the warm-up, we actually got into the hard stuff – cardio (shudder). Four minutes down, 41 to go. I tried to tell myself that the only way through was, well, through! I managed to do about two thirds of the step-up things, and just kept telling myself ‘just do one more Nyz you can do it, just do one more set – problem with this theory is, that I learnt the hard way how all gym instructors are blatant liars – because ‘one more time!’ actually translates into ‘fifteen more to go and then we will do it all again next track!’ Dammit.
The real highlight of the class for me was about three quarters of the way through, when I felt a shower of water over me. Initially I was relived, realising that the other staff at the gym must have finally become aware of my severe discomfort and thought they should offer me a much needed chilled beverage. Aparently not, I realised with horror as it slowly came to my attention that the ‘cool shower’ I had felt was actually drips of sweat from the hair of the guy next to me. Agh, I hate the gym. I had to sit out of about half the class. I was so emmbarased – as if my size 22 bum wasn’t emmbarsing enough, my unfit heart was now showing off for everyone to see. Eventually we got to the warm down. I was greatly appreciative when, with ten minutes to go, the instructor informed us that we could all lie down. About bloody time! No sooner had I rolled lovingly onto the floor do I hear the over enthusiastic words ‘Okay guys!…, get ready!…., first set now!…, and crunch! Crunch! Crunch! One more time, and crunch! Crunch! crunch!’ I felt like standing up and shouting ‘Okay guys…. and Vomit, vomit! Vomit from all that hard work!’ But, I didn’t have the energy so I just lay on the ground and attempted to raise my arms in time with everyone else, so at least it would look like I was doing the sit-ups. Surely just being in a room with lots of fit people burns thousands of calories?
When it was finally over, I stumbled over to get my bag. On the way there, the instructor tapped me on the shoulder. Shit, even her shoulder tapping was enthusiastic. She explained that I had done a great job, and if I just stick at it, I will be astounded at how much my body will change and my fitness will improve. That made me feel really optimistic – I even felt like a fit chick! …That was until she topped our conversation off with ‘Don’t worry that you’re the worst in the class babe, everyone has got to start somewhere – and no one is judging you, not even me!’ (and yes…I am serious) Aghh I hate the gym. Exit stage left.
Came home – still wanted to binge. Looked in the fridge, but somehow a buffet of spinach leaves and diet yoghurt was just not that appealing. Tried to do something to distract myself – so I had another bath. Spoke to the boy on the phone, had an argument over something completely stupid, proceeded to get out of the bath, and ‘poof!’ – I mysteriously ended up standing right in front of the fridge, staring inside like a mad woman. Why does that always happen? Desperate to not allow myself to eat crap, but also desperate to comfort eat, I attempted to eat some spinach leaves from the packet, but they just didn’t do the job for me. I pictured myself as Bridget Jones – that point in the movie when she carves the mould off the piece of feral cheese and then eats some cereal straight from the box. Mmmmm cereal, that’s actually not a bad idea.
No, mustn’t eat cereal, I’m not actually hungry – just bored. Shit, is it this hard for everyone? Has every woman who has ever been successful at loosing weight gone through this? No wonder so many people give up. Urgently tried to think of something to cheer me up/stop me from staring at the fridge/not allow myself to drive to the nearest supermarket to spend $89 on a binge. So, after much deliberation, I decided to have another bath. Wow, what a thrilling life I do lead. Going to bed now. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day. Night x
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