Hello, I have a name but I prefer to be anonymous, you can call me American Girl. To sum it up, I’m an 18 year old freshman in college, and I’m afraid for myself.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably pondering the thought of why I have started such a blog with such a distinct name. Maybe you’re just like me, and you’re struggling to realize your condition, or perhaps you want to understand it because someone you know and love is suffering from bulimia. If that’s the truth, I want you to know that it is a disease, it’s not a hook for the attention fish. I am constantly afraid of what will happen to me, but that doesn’t stop me after a meal has settled it’s place.
In an effort for your understanding I will explain what I looked like five months ago, and what I look like at present. Five months ago I was 5′7, 160 pounds, a size 8 in jeans, with long, straight, thick red hair that fell to my mid waist, and beautiful white teeth. Doesn’t sound all that bad, does it? I am now still 5′7, but 107 pounds, a size 2 in jeans, with long, straight, less-thick red hair that falls to my waist, and almost white teeth. Do I blame bulimia on all of this? No, I blame myself for letting my bulimia steal all of this. This is my fault, I’m not looking to blame anyone. I hated my body, so I changed it, and I changed it the completely wrong way. When posed with the question of work out and eat healthy or eat whatever you want and shove a finger down your throat, I took the easy route. The first 10 pounds and you feel fantastic because you’re losing weight and you can see it, the second 10 pounds and you still feel great but the tiredness is starting from lack of nutrition, the third 10 pounds and you’re triumphant again because you’ve lost 30 pounds! You’ve lost 30 pounds in 7 weeks, something Jenny Craig could never promise you. By the time I had lost 50 pounds, it had been five months, and you think to yourself that you should be happy, because girls out there would die for your body and guys would die to be with it. But deep down you know that you’re killing yourself every time you get up, because it’s been 3 hours and if you don’t puke now then you’ll actually digest something for a change. You begin to go through tubes of concealer like they’re candy, you learn to sew in order to fix your clothes at a minutes notice incase you dropped 2 pounds the day before, your beautiful hair slips through your fingers onto the shower floor until you could almost make a rug when you clean your drain a month later. But, all it takes for motivation is one glance from a guy, a roll of a girls eyes, or the reflection in a mirror. Our minds are obsessed with perfection, and when you’re bulimic you feel as if you’re close to that.
So why stop now? Why start blogging and writing about it? Well, you see, today I couldn’t keep down my normal nutri-grain bar, in fact, I couldn’t keep anything down. I’ve realized that the vomiting is becoming involuntary, I can’t control myself anymore. I’m frightened. And whenever I was scared when I was younger, whether it was a monster or the boogie man, if I was afraid and I wrote it made the fear go away.
I don’t believe I can make bulimia go away without serious help, but I’m not ready to turn to that. I believe that if I set my mind to something, I can fix it and that’s what I intend to do, fix myself, cure this disease that I’m virtually killing myself with.
So what will this blog be about, you ask? My day to day, I plan on stating at the bottom of every post a progress update, like, meals kept down or weight gained/lost. So come along on my journey back to health, and maybe heal yourself a little too.
All my love,
American Girl
No comments:
Post a Comment