I don’t know how to title this post. There’s so much that I want to say. I feel like I need to post 14 consecutive posts to contain each thought. Like Twitter on steroids.
Maybe I’ll post a series? Yeah, that’s the ticket.
So..first up. Why I blog, and why I don’t.
I always feel a need to write to capture the thoughts that are in my head. I usually have so many thoughts and ideas bouncing around my noggin’ that I can rarely keep them straight. But, strangely, I’ve never been one to chronicle the daily minutae of my life. For as long as I can recall, all of my journaling has been thematic in nature – why I suck, why my life sucks, why am I fat, etc. I never “happy write.” When I take to my journal it’s usually in moments of profound sadness or anger or despair – or when I get on my inevitable “self improvement” kicks. The “This! Time! I! Will! Do! It!” euphoria (delusion?).
It’s odd to flip through my paper journals throughout the year. Most in notebooks that are only one-quarter filled, most of the same themes (even exact sentences) repeated time after time. It’s my life, really. One big ole Groundhog Day movie.
Same thing for blogging. Days go by without posts because I either feel like I’ve got nothing notable to say (to whom?) or because I’ve fallen down on promises made or goals declared. So…I avoid. Like I do with all things hard in my life. Like, in a previous post I talk about taking time each day to something nice for myself, and that I’ll exercise 3x a week. Pfft. It’s September 8 and I’ve not seen the gym, and my pampering has fallen a little flat (although, I am typing with self-manicured fingers while tapping self-pedicured toes, so there’s some progress).
I need to confront the hard. I need to follow through when i don’t want to or feel like I can’t. I need to stop feeling like I’m a failure. Own up to when I don’t fulfill a promise but also use that as a catalyst to do better.
I’m tired of telling myself this time and time and time again.
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